


One Black Coffee.

by TheEnchantedQuill



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Adopted Children, Chaotic Good, Comedy, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Harry Potter - Freeform, Harry potter reference, Humanformers, Husbands, John Mullaney, M/M, Optimus and his audiobooks, Ratchet and Optimus are the best parents, Ratchet nearly kills everyone, Road Trips, funny oneshot, mcdonalds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:40:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEnchantedQuill/pseuds/TheEnchantedQuill
Summary: Optimus and Ratchet are on a road trip with the three children.Ratchet is a stone cold bitch.Comedy fic! You'll love it!
Relationships: Optimus Prime & Ratchet, Optimus Prime/Ratchet
Comments: 7
Kudos: 120





	One Black Coffee.

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by a John Mullaney skit. He tells this really funny story about his dad. He's a great comedian, check him out.

The van was quiet, other than Optimus’ audiobook, playing over the speakers. Raf was interested in listening, Jack was partially engaged, and Miko was ready to bash her face through the window. Ratchet was driving, his tired focus on the road. It had been a long drive, and they still had quite the distance to go. 

Chapter thirteen started, in a man’s calm, soothing voice. He wasn’t very good at making different voices, but he tried his best. Optimus stared forward, listening intently. His focus was broken when his seat jolted. “Miko, please don’t kick my seat,” he asked politely. 

“I’m  _ bored.” _ She whined. Raf, who was sitting in the middle, scooted closer to Jack as she brought her legs up to the seat, rising to her knees to stick her head out the window.

Ratchet regarded her sharply through the rearview. “Absolutely not.” He flipped the child lock on both backseat windows before she could roll hers down.

“How does he react so fast?” He heard her mutter to Raf as she huffily sat back down.

A few minutes passed. 

_ “The pages of the diary began to blow as though caught in a high wind, stopping halfway through the month of June. Mouth open, . .” _

“Don’t you fragging dare,” Ratchet hissed as some fleshling idiot cut him off while merging. 

“Ratchet, the children,” his husband chastised softly. 

“Raf, don’t repeat what I say.”

“I won’t.”

Miko slouched against the door, flicking the button longingly. Frag child safety locks. She stared out at the buildings drifting by, sighing loudly and dramatically. Jack sent her a look, before looking back out his own window, watching other drivers as they moved past.

Unmistakable yellow arches came into sight, bold against the sky’s soft blue. Miko straightened up excitedly. “Can we go to McDonald’s?” She leaned forward and pushed on Ratchet’s seat.

“No.” 

Her mouth dropped open. “Ratch, come on, we’re hungry!” She looked at the other two expectantly, nodding towards Ratchet.

“I could eat.” Jack obliged.

“There’s food where we’re going.” Ratchet replied dismissively. “If this damn truck would get out of my lane. . .”

“Ratchet,  _ come on,  _ the exit is coming up!” Miko started bouncing in her seat. “McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s,” she began chanting. “McDonald’s, Jack, Raf, come  _ on,  _ McDonald’s, McDonald’s!”

Optimus paused his audiobook, no longer able to hear it over Miko’s shouting. He looked over to see Ratchet’s reaction, and found Ratchet exercising his determination to ignore them.

“ _ JACK COME ON! _ McDonald’s, McDonald’s!”

Reluctantly, and starting out quiet, Jack joined in. Pressured to join his friends, Raf piped up as well, until anyone driving by could hear the chant of ‘McDonald’s’ from inside the van.

“McDONALD’S! McDONALD’S! McDONALD’S!”

Cheers of victory replaced the chanting as Ratchet flipped the blinker, and eased down the offramp, slowing to a stop before pulling into the McDonald’s parking lot. Optimus watched Ratchet carefully; it wasn’t like him to relent easily, the children hadn’t won  _ yet. _ The drive through was empty, and the children all cheered and announced what they wanted.

Ratchet listened silently, before leaning out the window and speaking, clearly and calmly: “I would like one black coffee, please.”

And then they proceeded to the window. A coffee was handed to Ratchet.

And then they drove off, heading straight for the onramp. 

The van was silent. Satisfaction was rolling off of Ratchet’s shoulders as he sipped the steaming coffee, accelerating to meet the speed limit and merging. Miko’s mouth was caught open in pure shock. The boys were exchanging dumbfounded looks.

Optimus stared at his husband, both impressed and unamused simultaneously. This was rather coldhearted, especially since he knew that Ratchet was a very generous personality. The Prime looked over his shoulder into the backseat.

Raf looked disappointed, staring at his lap and fiddling with his glasses. Jack seemed to be trying to play it off cool, but he too seemed dejected. Miko was slumping with her arms crossed, pouting.

Looking back to Ratchet, Optimus quietly addressed him. “Ratchet, you upset them.”

“Mm.” Ratchet dismissed. 

“They look sad.” Optimus gestured to the rear view, adjusting it so Ratchet could see their faces.

The medic glanced at the mirror briefly. “I don’t care how they look.” He retorted with a huff. “I couldn’t care less about. . .” He turned his head to send his husband a glare, and he was met with those big, round eyes he would always see on Orion Pax, whenever he was unhappy. Sad, soft and dejected looking. Ratchet stared at Optimus’ sad, pouty face, fully aware that he was being manipulated, and still falling for it.  _ “Fine.” _ He hissed, before roughly jerking the wheel and flipping them around in a violent circle across both lanes of the freeway. The kids screamed, and Optimus held onto the ‘oh shit handle’ for dear life, exclaiming loudly as the van nearly tipped. 

“ _ RATCHET, WHAT ARE YOU- OH PRIMUS!” _ The Prime shouted frantically as they tore down the freeway in the wrong direction, before zooming across the center lane through a break in the barrier. They broke onto the pair of lanes traveling in the other direction, speeding until they reached the offramp just before the McDonald’s. “Ratchet, what were you thinking?!” Optimus demanded as they reached a stop sign.

“I-I think I need new pants,” Jack was gripping his shirt above his heart, chest heaving. 

“That was awesome.” Miko wheezed, out of breath, but smiling widely. 

The hot coffee had spilled into Optimus’ lap, but that was the last of his worries. He was staring at Ratchet with a horrified look, eyes wide and face pale. He went disregarded as his husband delivered them to the McDonald’s parking lot. 

This time, they went inside. Optimus didn’t trust Ratchet at the wheel anymore, and insisted on taking a break in their drive so he could dry the coffee stains on his legs. Jack couldn’t stop sputtering, but Ratchet interpreted it as much as he could for the employee taking their orders. Miko loudly announced her desire for chicken nuggets, and Raf politely ordered, his face as pale as Optimus’. 

They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Raf timidly pulled on Ratchet’s sleeve. “Can we go to the playground?” He asked carefully, as if Ratchet might snap again. “We just want to stretch our legs and move around a bit. . .”

“Don’t be too long.” The medic waved dismissively. The three of them enthusiastically bounced towards the indoor playground, with slides and climbing tubes and rope ladders that were definitely made for smaller children. 

“You’re never driving again.” Optimus announced when they were gone. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, we made it, didn’t we?”

“ _ Ratchet! _ ” Optimus pushed. 

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I won’t do anything like that again.” Ratchet hid his amused smile, sitting back in his seat to watch the kids crawl around in the play tubes. He scoffed when Miko announced  _ “long live the king!”  _ before shoving Jack down a slide. He barreled down it head over heels, landing with a thud and an  _ oof.  _ “I don’t regret it, though. Look at them.”

Optimus followed his gaze, sighing. “You’ve made their night. I believe they have a newfound respect for you.” A smile of his own quirked the sides of his mouth, and he leaned over to press a tender kiss to his husband’s cheek. “I don’t agree with your method of delivering us here, but I am content that you had a change of heart.”

An employee approached them, clearing his throat. “Excuse me? All three of them are too big for that playground. There’s a height limit at the entrance. I need to ask you to call them out of there.” He looked tired and annoyed under his cap. 

Optimus made to rise to his feet. He had always been respectul of rules, especially those set by humans. Ratchet stopped him with a hand on his thigh. Digging into his pocket for his wallet, he pulled out a hundred dollar bill and offered it to the employee rather matter-of-factly. “They can play for a little longer.” 

The employee seemed to battle with confliction between right and wrong before taking the bill and hurrying off. Optimus rubbed the bridge of his nose to ease some of his tension, muttering about Ratchet’s carelessness. His husband didn’t seem to care.

There was a loud  _ crack  _ in one of the tubes, and Miko came crashing down, before shooting back up and darting back to the adults, Raf and Jack at her heels. “We gotta go.” She pulled on Optimus’ arm.

“Did you break something?”

“We gotta go!” She repeated, giving up on pulling Optimus to his feet and dashing out the door on her own. 

“Well, let’s get back on the road. You’re driving, I take it?” Ratchet stood up, straightening his coat out. 

Optimus gave a stressed sigh, shoulders sagging.

Fowler was going to kill him. 


End file.
